You know what I hate


The morning started off like your typical morning, trying to get kids to school on time after school holidays…………….running late!!

My little blonde haired, blue eyed cherub (DS2), first day of school decides……today is the day he’s not getting out of bed at the normal crack of dawn.  Nooooo sireeeee.  I could hear him thinking, she’s going to have to work for this one!  I’m going to make her pull her hair out by staying in bed till 8am because it’s my first day of school and she won’t yell at me coz if I get upset, the day is a hell of a lot more likely to be realllllly baaaadd!!  I don’t care if we have to leave the house in 25 minutes, it’s my first day and we’re moving at my pace!!

DS1 is nearly ready even though he’s unwell, coughing and spluttering (only going to school because it’s his little brothers first day – does that make me a bad mum?).  Then I get the muuuuuuuum call.  “There’s a spider in my room!”  Great.  Now I’ve got to spend time trying to ‘find’ (normally no bigger than a bee’s dick) said spider before he’ll leave his room!!  It wasn’t hard.  Right above the door, size of your palm, angry!  I hate spiders…..with a passion……until the end of time.  Hubby away.  Crap!  Only thing to use is outdoor surface spray.  Persuade child through doorway with chocolate (thank god they’re like me!) and turn.that.sucker.white!

Finally leave home (at 8:45am – 10 minutes till 1st bell – 15 minute drive to school – not happy Jan!) and the sky opens up.  Neither child copes with rain (it hurts their heads – don’t know how they stand the shower but not my sensory issue so who am I to quibble!) which means the ‘packhorse’ will be left to carry school bags and 2 boxes (yes, boxes) of books at the other end 😦

Thunder and lightening hits as we enter school.  Not a problem for us…..BUT…….the four legged child at home will force her way through (yes through) the fence and be God knows where by the time I get back.  I know I digress, but feel I need to explain…….Our St Bernard is shit scared of thunder storms, fireworks, blasting from the quarry and basically anything else that goes bang.  If we are home she comes inside so she’s not in it, because she will do anything to get out – and.I.mean.anything!  She moves huge volcanic rocks like they’re pebbles, has forced her way through Rio wire, will dig a well to go under the fence and even used her teeth to break the normal wire last time.  Her last breakout just before Christmas cost us $365 (first time eva in the pound, caught kennel cough, and the council fine has just arrived)!!  Suffice it to say, I was not exactly happy about the prospect of driving the streets to look for her – again!

Where was I??  Oh yeah.  Get the boys into school and finally breathe!!  Three hours sleep.  Didn’t lose my cool.  Everyone alive (till I find the dog) and they seem okay.

Pick-up for my little baby was at 1pm and his smile was priceless.  It was one of those, I’ve been good and I know you’re going to be happy with me kinda smiles.

Pick-up for my big baby was 3:25pm and his smile made my heart soar.  Didn’t get to speak to his teacher this morning, or find out who his aide is for the year, but he had a great day with no problems.  So basically…………

………….it’s a THUMBS UP all round 🙂

PS I found the dog – hubby wants to sell her to highest asian bidder……

I’m going to start by saying I know it’s a terrible language to grasp what with all the different spellings for the same word………..there, their, they’re, I know, it’s hard *sigh*

BUT

Use a damn dictionary!!!

If you are not sure, look it up!  They even show you how to pronounce a word properly, which helps people know what the hell you’re talking about!

Use a thesaurus to say the same thing twice without using the same word if you want to!

Get creative………….but not.too.creative…………..unless it’s funny

For example, ‘this one time, at band camp’………..sorry, only kidding 🙂

For example: the word Aspergers.  I have heard this word said in so many different ways.  The word is Aspergers people.  Not Asbergers or Asberjers or Asperjers!?!  It’s Aspergers spelt and As-per-gers pronounced!  Look it up people – you’ll see I’m right 🙂

Now – in saying this, I am not trying to piss people off (unless they choose to take it that way which I am by no means responsible for – because that is not my intention BUT we all have freedom of choice, so you choose which way you want to take it!).  I am merely educating society on this injustice and correcting the problem.  I know so many of us don’t like to ‘label’ people (especially children – even though it gets them the help they need and I’d be the first to throw a party if it gets taken away later), but if we are going to participate in a society that loves putting people in ‘little boxes’ (I can feel a song coming on), we need to pronounce and/or spell those labels correctly!

OK, I’m jumping down off my soapbox now and making room for someone else to have their say……… 🙂

Dickhead. Drivers!!!!

I know, I know, I’m not being very nice but really – what’s with their shit?!?

If the speed limit says 70 don’t sit on 50 for gods sake, holding up the traffic, pissing people off, being a catalyst for road rage, meandering through life in your own little world!!  Get out of the f**king way!!

I can handle 5-10 kms under the speed limit, if you’re not being a nuisance or your car can’t cope, but any more than that and you need to stay home or hand in your licence.  People who do have a life need to be places on time – especially when they’ve left home with more than enough time to spare so they will NOT BE LATE!!!  I don’t care if the universe makes everything happen for a reason and that things happen as and when they’re meant to.  If I leave home to be somewhere by a certain time, the only thing that’s allowed to prevent me from being on time is an accident – which these idiots will have caused by pissing people off, who then take chances they wouldn’t normally take to get around them!

*calm blue ocean* *calm blue ocean*

OK, I’ve taken a breath………………..I’ve had my whine………….where’s the chocolate!!

I know I’m being totally ungrateful…………..but……………..they’re coming home a day early!!  😦

What’s with that?!?

I don’t care if they miss me and want to come home! *not*  I don’t care if hubby’s got things he wants to do at home!  I don’t care if I’ve been extremely lucky to have five and a half days to myself!  I don’t care if I’m being ungrateful and slightly aspie!  They were due home Wednesday!!  I’m. Not. Ready.

Jan and Murphy need to bugger off somewhere together and leave us all alone!

Now I feel like my planned evening of junk food and DVD’s with another one of my besties is the last bloody supper!

Sure, I love them.  Sure, I’ve missed them (kinda, sorta).  But this was my one time alone for the whole year and they’re not. meant. to. be. coming. home. early.  Hubby’s going to Cairns (Queensland) for his birthday in June, on his own, to do whateva he wants and I’m absolutely positive he won’t be coming home early then!

I can see a major consoling session of chocolate coming on…………………..*sigh*

41° day, wife preserver (DH’s term for the air-conditioner) working a treat – after cleaning the filters for the first time since installation in 2003! Apparently they need their filters cleaned every 6-12 months to work properly – who would’ve guessed??!! Anyway, as I said – wife preserver working a treat, kids happy, house cool, on the couch watching tellie, power goes out……………yep, you heard me – power goes out. WTF!! Check the fuse box – everything fine there, sweaty palms, deep breath, change the phone over to OMG an old push button phone and call the electricity company. Recording – trees over power lines in our area – expected restoration time 5pm. What! Hysteria sets in. 5pm! It’s. Only. 3:20. How the hell are we going to survive without the wife preserver?!?!?!?! I know, I’ll put the fan on – duurrrrrrrrr – NO ELECTRICITY!!! Everything in our house is electric – water, stove, everything! Shit!!!!

Call DH in hysterics nearly hyperventilating to tell him the situation at home coz he’s god and he can fix this!!!! And you know what he suggests? Go to the pool!!! What’s with that? Go. To. The. Pool. Heeelllllllloooooooooo – major bush city happening downstairs!! Bathers – I don’t think so!! Then he asks what other choice do I have and after frantically running through my options (all my nearby friends are out!!!!) I numbly realise he’s right.

In the bathroom, shower running (no hot water coz there’s no electricity), trying to convince myself I can get in there – I’m strong, I’ve had babies for gods sake!!! OMG – major nipple erectus happening, quick soap up, quick shave (boy am I going to suffer for that one) and out. Dry off, bathers on, nooooooooooooooo! Wouldn’t you know it – didn’t clean up enough!!!! Shit. Shit. Shit. Moisturiser, more shaving (god am I going to suffer for that!). Thoughts of numerous discussions over Brazilians etc enter my mind – oh shut up! Too late now!

Bag packed, boys ready, time to put shoes on, phone rings, DH home in half an hour if we want to wait. Great, half an hour to think about the fact that I’m about to go out in public in my bathers – not a pretty thought!! Get to the pool, boys straight in, suntan lotion DH’s back, he does mine and he gets in. Me? Sitting there smooth talking myself out of my shorts, boys screaming mum! Mum! Muuuuuuummmmmm! Come on mum! Heads turning to find the awful mother neglecting her children. Guilty walk to the pool and into the water – after carefully determining there wasn’t anyone I knew there.

Lovely time in the pool, get out looking like a prune, towel around my waist, turn around to find the skinniest mum of my mothers group arriving with her family, haven’t seen each other for more than 12 months, me with bat-wing arms flapping in the breeze and her in her current fashion bikini!!!!! Life can be cruel. Console self with take-away for dinner!!!!

On a more meaningful note – the boys loved the fact that I had joined the three of them at the pool for the first time in probably 2 years. It was really nice to do something together. I was reminded how much I love the water and the boys were really happy. That my friends, has to outweigh all the other crap 🙂

You know what I hate? I hate it when it’s that time of the month and you’re around someone’s dog who can’t keep his nose out of your crotch!! What’s with that?! I know I’m a bitch and I might be ‘on heat’, but puuleeeeasssee – I’m not your kind of bitch!! Get. A. Life.

You know what else I hate? I hate it when it’s hot and you don’t wear those little pluggy thingys! The chafing in the heat is unbearable – you know the kind I mean!! You try and do the right thing by your body, steering clear of that toxic shock thing and you get rubbed red raw for it!! You know I’m right.

The other thing I hate is the cost of these little necessities……….all the while knowing if it was men being ‘visited’ on a monthly basis they’d be free!!!!!!!!!!!! What’s with that!?!

Butt, butt, butt, butt, butt!!!! Don’t ya just love a good butt 🙂 To quote Donkey, “I like big butt……..”, well – mine anyway! But it doesn’t really matter what shape or size – we’ve all got one! So how then do we take care of it and the rest of our glorious bods?!?

I don’t know about you but I am constantly and I mean constantly reminded how unfit and overweight I am. If it’s not my 8 year old (he keeps suggesting I go on Biggest Loser), it’s my family or the media (all sorts) or the diet companies or the fitness centres or the medical profession or the clothing industry or the models or the eating disorder units (obese is classed as an eating disorder and apparently I do fit in that category – yeah I know, the photo………….that was taken 13 years ago and holds very little resemblance to the person I have become) or the dentist (bad food rots your teeth) or the friends that are getting in shape and have started calling me Norm (anyone else old enough to remember that one)!!!!!! Well, I have something to say to the lot of you! Are you listening? I mean really listening?

I have finally found out what I’ve been doing wrong all these years and feel it is my duty to inform all people in my situation of this horrid mistake we’ve all been making………………………………….. 

scales.jpg

Now don’t you wish you knew that years ago?!?! We need to get the message out there people. How on earth are we to make a stand against ‘the weight loss industry’ if we don’t have the facts!

Well – now you do. Go forth, spread the word, share this post. The more people we reach – the less people they can try to manipulate! God speed……

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